aleatory contract

my own personal Waterloo

Sunday, February 26, 2006

well more a werewolf really

never age and i'll never die
unlike all the stars in the sky
i'll be young forever, and why?
cos i'm a vampire, hon
one from whom you really should run
i despise the light of the sun
and i kill your kind just for fun

cos i'm a vampire!

Friday, February 24, 2006

of *course* it's just serendipity.

on the internal AOL welcome page, a series of three captioned pictures constantly cycle, with links to their related news stories. those links don't always match, though. right now, the AOL welcome page is pairing the caption 'Autistic Teen's Miracle Game' beside a picture of bush with a confused (and slightly hungover) look on his face.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

jaeger bombs with the Masters of Awesome

money quote of the evening:

'i just really didn't want to spend the rest of my life at a bennigan's. and that's why we broke up.'

speaking of Dat Ol' Tyme Religion...

lost in the greater issues of the day, like, uh, falconry and shipping containers, South Dakota has passed a statewide ban on abortion. there are no exceptions made for rape or incest, and no exception made for the health of the woman - only her life. the law also maintains that life begins, not at conception, but at fertilisation, also making emergency contraceptives like Plan B illegal. the criminal penalties fall not on the mother, but on any doctor who performs a procedure or prescribes some pills.

this has no great practical implications for most women in South Dakota - they were already fucked. it was virtually impossible to get an abortion in that state prior to the passage of this bill. only one clinic performed abortions in the whole of the state - and it's a pretty big state. procedures were performed only one day a week - and the clinic had to fly in staff from minnesota, as in-state doctors were afraid of reprisals against them were it known they were killin' babies and such.

this does have great practical implications for abortion in this country, particularly in the wake of the supreme court appointments. one of the arguments made against passing this bill in the state was the ultimate cost to the state in legal fees - this is intended to go all the way to the supreme court, and it well may. an anonymous donor has pledged one million dollars to the state for use in fighting court battles on this law.

NARAL has proven itself pretty useless lately, but there are other ways of making your opinions heard. if you do not believe women to be Property of the State, boycott South Dakota. sure, you may not have ever in your life wanted to go there anyway. about all it's got going for it is mount rushmore. and... mount rushmore. but it is home to some high-profile companies: IAMS, Gateway Computers, and probably most of the companies who issue your credit cards. the CITI Financial credit card nexus is located there.

it is possible to contact the companies one-to-one, but i suggest a call to the South Dakota Chamber of Commerce. david owen, president of the CoC, is not in the office, and will not be til march, as the legislature is in session, but charlotte is there right now, answering phones. she will probably give you something simpering about 'protecting the unborn'.

SD Chamber of Commerce and Industry
Commerce Center
200 N. Phillips, Avenue, Suite 304
Sioux Falls, SD 57104
Phone: 605-224-6161
Fax: 605-331-2536

the full member directory is available here.

again, feel free to contact companies on a one-to-one basis. i myself do not seem to have many dealings with South Dakota, as i have no credit cards, none of my animals eat IAMS, i don't eat morell ham, gateway sucks balls, i don't drive polaris snowmobiles and i don't wear gold jewelry, from the Black Hills or otherwise. you might. if you feel strongly about this issue, it might be worth considering alternatives.

i will no longer be eating claussen pickles, though. that does make me sad. they are delicious pickles.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

they got to the part with the cattle and the creeping things. i said, 'i'm pretty sure we heard this one before. and don't it all end up in some revelation, with four guys on horses and violent red visions? famine and death and pestilence and war?'

i'm pretty sure i heard this one before.

Friday, February 17, 2006

shoehorn with teeth

so i got kicked out of a job interview thisafternoon.

let me rephrase that. i wasn't kicked out of the interview. i was kicked out of the waiting area. by the receptionist. for wearing the wrong shoes.

first, the woman looked me up and down. she made as if to lead me back to the interview area, then paused. 'uh, did you bring another pair of shoes with you?'

why would i have done that?

'we need you to be dressed professionally. you need to be wearing professional shoes.'

my shoes aren't mid-height closed-toe taupe suede pumps, but they aren't exactly sneakers, either. they do happen to be red. they do have a small white stripe. they do, i will concede, bear a passing resemblance to bowling shoes. their effect on my typing speed, though, i fail to understand.

they told me i could come back on monday. wearing different shoes, of course. so i have until monday to figure out exactly what the hell 'professional shoes' are. i have scoured the internet for enlightenment. those who evidently are clever enough to know the specifics of Professional Business Attire are, to a man, sadly unable to master the concept of subject-verb agreement. these people mangle prose unacceptably. these people are only just able to express themselves coherently. these people work for Schools of Business, so i suppose i should have expected no better. they may not be able to write, but they do know how to dress. they claim that they know how to dress, at least. 'fit in, don't stand out!' they entreat me. they tell me i must wear a skirt, that it must be dark, that it must fall at a precise distance below my knee, that my hose (hose, who wears hose?) must match the skirt, the skirt must match the blouse, the blouse must match the jacket. there are complex formulas (really, not making this up) from which one may derive the number of 'accessories' to wear.

this is obscene.

i can accept the fact that i can't expect an interesting or well-paying job because i haven't a college degree. i've just about come around to conceding that point. i refuse to accept the idea that my hireability, my worth as an employee, my value as a human being is defined by the fucking shoes i choose to wear on a given afternoon, however. they are shoes. they go on your feet. they keep your feet warm. they keep broken glass out. that is what shoes do. that is all.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

i feel like a massive tool shelling out another US$19 i do not have on (another!) domain, but i think by definition is awesomer than and if i have to go to claremont, well, i guess i'll just have to go to claremont.

(this is all scott's fault.)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Moss: He Makes Blogging Fun!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

bringing the lolzzz

oh. AND:

i am making a website.

i need to name it.

i would ask for suggestions, but thus far the only suggestions i have recieved are 'alfred', 'phil', and 'awesome intertextual internets-saving website'. those are not very good suggestions.

do you have any suggestions? they would be helpful. also, moss, i need to talk to you. so remind me that i need to talk to you.

What I Learned Today At Art School

- cutting things out and pasting them to construction paper is still just as much fun as it was in kindergarten.

- it is still just as much fun to cover your hands in glue, wait for it to dry, and then peel it off in strips as it was in kindergarten.

- paper cutters are still just as scary as they were in kindergarten.

- art school is basically kindergarten, except with more bullshitting. (or, as they call it in art school, 'contextualising the meaning')

Wednesday, February 01, 2006




does not have nearly the same ring to it that 'MARS, BITCHES!' did.


who the hell was that poor iraqi chick laura bush dragged into the chambers with her? and why was she so cranky? could laura not have shared her stash or something? i'm surprised all that scowling didn't harsh LauraBot's mellow, but i doubt much of anything could. she's xanaxed into such an oblivion that i doubt her plastic surgeon even has to bother anaesthetising her these days.

barbara mikulski is awesome, and nearly entirely spherical, which only adds to the awesome. i <3 my senator. actually, more properly, i O my senator.

i'm still hungover from my bloodsugar crash in the wake of last night's SOTU Pixy Stix shooters. i'm presently infesting the AAMC Sajak Pavilion and stealing their free wifi intarnets to finally update my damn software. i have been stranded here by the cruel winds of fate, by which i mean the Annapolis Transit System.