aleatory contract

my own personal Waterloo

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

and yet. and yet i am more likely to get kicked out than the stoner kid, evidently, because i suck too hard at euclid.

i don't know what to do, really. i am supposed to meet with my math tutor on friday, and i am supposed to "think creatively" until then. i am supposed to find a way to make euclid have meaning for me, because i am clearly not enjoying myself and every prop i present is a fucking trainwreck. i am supposed somehow to square this with his simultaneous advice that i approach euclid by memorising every step of every proposition, since i can't manage to demonstrate them any other way. everyone else has been counselled to step away from this approach and to view the the study of geometry more broadly. my only hope is to work my ass off in an attempt to get where everyone else started, and i fucking hate being there.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

i am looking forward to my don rag. i am excited, and it is going to be fun, and i would be willing to hand in my seminar paper early if i could have my don rag earlier by doing so. apparently, i am an absolute freak and entirely alone in this. sigh.

a less-than-charitable part of me is also excited for Certain Other People's don rags, because i am hoping that, during the course of the don rag, they will see sense and begin conducting themselves in an appropriate fashion -- or at least not coming to class high every goddamn day. i was discussing this with a sophomore of my acquaintance at lunch yesterday, and while i largely avoided naming names, i did name one. i did so quietly, in a quiet conversation, at a nearly-deserted table in a cafeteria occupied primarily by middle-school kids on a campus visit. no other freshmen were present, and to my knowledge, no other people who knew this freshman were present. the name was mentioned only once, in an undertone, although i confess i did relate some of this freshman's utterly ridiculous exploits in seminar.

toward the end of our conversation, someone sitting several seats away gathered up her things, turned to me, glared at me, and said:

"[X] is a friend of mine. You shouldn't talk shit about [X] like that. That is really not cool, and you are really mean for doing that. You're an asshole."

before i could respond, she left.

i was ashamed at first, but after thinking about it more, i'm angry, instead of ashamed. i'm angry at myself, because some of the comments i made were perhaps unkind and should not have been made in a public place, even if this kid has been a complete fuckwit on a regular basis. but i'm also angry at this stranger, this self-identified Friend Of Freshman [X]. if she truly is his friend, she must have some idea that he's got a drug problem. she may not want to admit it to herself. she may be immature still, even if she is a junior, and still have some idea of the awesomeness of the Dionisean, or whatever. she may actually not know him that well, but still consider him a friend. she may only see him at week-ends, and since she doesn't have class with him, she might not know how the extent to which his drug use affects his class performance.

but if she knows this friend of hers at all, she knows he smokes pot. a lot of pot. every day. she knows he's doing coke as well, and probably other shit. she may not know that he frequently comes too class too high to speak -- or, sometimes, to stay conscious -- but she's probably seen him in that state at other times. a few weeks ago, i was really worried that he needed immediate medical attention, and this was in a class, so it's hard for me to believe that he hasn't been equally fucked up outside of class.

if she's actually his friend, she knows he has a drug problem. i may have been wrong in making fun of him, but that mockery was prefaced by concern for his wellbeing, and combined with frustration at having to deal with him in class. i am not this kid's friend. i don't know him well at all. i'm still worried about him, and i think he needs treatment. if she was listening in to what i was saying, she heard me say as much, and i said it sincerely. it might hurt to hear that about a friend of yours, but really, if you stand by while someone develops a drug problem, you're not really their friend.

and i wish i'd been able to say that to her. and i'm angry at myself, because i didn't.

i'm also frustrated because some of the reaction i've had, from friends to whom i've related this story, is of the "well, yeah, you were an asshole, and you can't say those sorts of things" variety. why the hell can't i?

Saturday, October 20, 2007

neither snow nor sleep nor dark of approaching donrags

hey everybody, it's Long Weekend! and am i writing the seminar paper due in two weeks? am i revising my math paper? am i learning the aorist?


i am doing 24-Hour-Comic Day! (with the assistance of free bad coffee and leftover currywurst from last night's Sausage Party.)

Saturday, October 06, 2007


did you know thee Iran Contras wrote a song about you? because they totally did.